No man's land

Another month or so gone and I feel like I am in no man's land. I'm not sure if I'm that guy battling cancer or the guy that beat cancer. I am a man without a cancer identity which, quite frankly, is not something that had ever crossed my mind as being a thing.

The thing is, I don't know if I'm cured or not. And odds are, I won't know for several more weeks, if even then.

I get that they didn't want to definitively say the obnoxious parasite was gone, but it does leave me a little in limbo.

Regardless, time marches on, as does my glacial recovery.

On a positive note, I am weening myself off of the Boost diet and trying all sorts of other things. Soup is a major part of my diet now. And with that, I am progressing from mostly broth based to soups with more stuff in them. And creamy soups. Y'know, soups with flavour.

Speaking of flavour, I have noticed that a number of soups seem to be really lacking in that department. Luckily, I own things like chicken and beef stock power. It makes quite a difference.

The corollary to this that I appear to be incredibly sensitive to anything that may even be laughingly called spice. Even pepper.

Anything with even a touch of actual spice just burns my mouth.

Now I've never been one for overly spicey food anyway and I have never seen the need for heat for the sake of heat. see also suicide wings. I mean, WTF is the point? Why on earth would I want to cause actual physical pain to myself why I'd rather just enjoy my meal.

That being said, I do enjoy watching the brave flail about as tears stream down their legs as they attempt to prove they are tougher and cooler (maybe the incorrect word to use here) than anyone else as they attempt to choke down the lasted hottest wings ever in the universe.

Fucking idiots.

But I digress.

The other issue is that quite a number of the instant noodles are pretty crappy to begin with. Cardboard noodles in a flavourless broth so some experimentation has been needed. Of course, I haven't been taking notes, so I don't actually remember which are worse or better than others.

I do have one brand I actually like and that pre-dates any of this cancer bullshit. I can eat them again and I like to put an egg in them (which i haven't done since my treatment) to add a little protein.

I need to buy eggs. It's also time to try scrambled eggs again.

I also want to try a chicken wing. I'm pretty sure I couldn't eat a number of wings, but I could cook one at home to see.

Y'know, being cost-conscious and not wanting to waste food and all.

I know it sounds moronic, but at this point, it is what it is.

I bought a can of Stag chili. Just the basic stuff, not the one labelled "spicey." I'm not a fucking idiot. However, even that tended to be too much. I was unable to get all the way through it.

A couple of days later I tried Wendy's chili. I've heard good things about it, so I figured what the hell. Apart from being a bit runny for my liking, it was decent. There was still a bit of spice, most likely only discernible by me and my fucked-up mouth, but it was manageable. Another step towards freedom.

There are still a lot of things I simply cannot eat. Anything with dough... breads, pizza, cookies, pancakes, which I discovered to no surprise when we stopped at a stampede breakfast after going to the dog park. Ostensibly the plan was to give the boys a sausage, but it turned out this particular breakfast was only pancakes. I tried a bit which immediately turned to wallpaper paste in my mouth. The dogs enjoyed the half a pancake they each got.

I also need to avoid anything acidic. And most proteins although I am managing to eat the occasional boiled egg. I want to try scrambled eggs again soon. A lot of dairy unless it's not thick. I can manage cottage cheese in moderation and thinner yoghurt, but the Greek stuff is out of the question.

That being said, I'm about to start experimenting with smoothies. To this end I need to go shopping for things like bananas, blueberries, and peanut butter, amongst other potential ingredients.

I plan to avoid anything green (like seriously, who the fuck puts spinach and kale in a smoothie?) and seeds like chia and flax. Little bits of shit do not get cleaned out of my mouth as easily as they used to and I still do not have full mobility of my tongue to aid in this.

Anyway, we'll see how it goes. I need more variety.

On a positive note, one experiment paid off in spades. I finally climbed onto the bike again. I have been quite leery of it as I felt I didn't have the strength needed to hold up an 850 lb. touring bike.

Portrait of the artist as a happy boy.

It's just been little trips around town. A little shopping, to work and back, and a coupla weeks ago to a brewery for another test.

Turns out I can drink beer!

Not all beer, mind you. I find the juicier beers to be most palatable. Anything too hoppy just dries my mouth out immediately.

In fairness, any beer dries my mouth out and I find it takes me a while to finish one, but the fact that I can is good enough for now. Another small step in the right direction.

After a little experimentation, it turns out the fizzy yellows are the easiest for me to drink. I'm becoming partial to some of the excellent Mexican lagers some of the local craft breweries are putting out.

Another move to normality is having a cup of coffee in the morning. This too takes a fair bit of time to get through, albeit it is getting easier and tasting better as time progresses to the point that I had 2 cups this morning. I am now attempting a chai latte and it doesn't suck.

More happiness and a crappy photo.

I have to be careful of the temperature as anything too hot or cold huI have to be careful of the temperature as anything too hot or cold hurts my mouth.

Speaking of cold, I find I can eat certain ice cream products like creamsicles. I can taste the fruit flavour of the coating and the ice cream, while a little odd, isn't disgusting. As it's frozen, I have to keep the bites small. It's almost a battle between protecting my mouth and eating it before it melts.

I had an ice cream sandwich. The ice cream didn't appear to have much flavour and the sandwich part was a little gummy, but all in all, it was better than I expected it to be. Next I want to try a fudgesicle. I'm not sure how the chocolate will do. Regular chocolate is not something I can really eat. It gums up and requires additional moisture to dislodge.

Ice cream is an odd choice as I am almost always cold lately. I attribute this to my rapid weight loss. I find myself going outside into the heat for a few minutes to warm up. I guess I should just be happy it isn't February.

I have also discovered that Coke is no longer repulsive. This piece of news is fabulous as it means I can now inject some flavour into what has been less than mediocrity in terms of variety.

I even added a bit or rum and while it was drinkable, the alcohol instantly dries out my mouth.

Along with the almost constant dry mouth is a nagging, dry cough. It isn't constant, but it is annoying. It happens seemingly at random and last for a couple of minutes. Mercifully, the attacks are getting fewer and farther apart as time goes by.

One thing with rapid weight loss is the need to find clothing that fits. To this end, I had to purchase new jeans and shorts. Even they are loose and I've punched several new holes in my belts.

I need to gain about 15-20 pounds to be at a good weight at which time my pants should fit.

On a positive note (always looking for the silver lining), I am able to wear my extensive collection of Harley t-shirts from years gone by plus a few old concert shirts. Apparently, I have a shit-ton of t-shirts.

I got a call from the world's greatest nutritionist the other day. Just following up as she is wont to do.

She seems pretty happy with my progress and my determination to try things.

I'll take any positive reinforcement I can get.

Further to that, I have managed to stay relatively positive. I think that's aided by seeing actual improvement, albeit only small bits at a time.

But it beats treading water which is what I felt I was doing only a few short weeks ago.

That being said, there is still a way to go. I try not to focus on how long it may take and just keep pushing for the next positive step.

My energy level has improved to the point I can start doing things for myself again like mowing the lawn. Not that it currently needs it. Perhaps I should start watering it.

All good things.

S